Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
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welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.