Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
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KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
How do you milk an almond?
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Called it
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.