Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
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ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year