They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
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there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”