my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
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Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”