Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
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Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
good work, detective
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis