I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
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If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.