WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
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The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?