It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
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Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.