My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
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Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
My first son he is wonderful
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job