ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
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Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright