Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
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So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
put ‘er there pardner!
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards