My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
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was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
A collection of me turning into random objects.