sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
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Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE