My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
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Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings