[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
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Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Wake me when AI does housework
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
A wise man once said nothing.