4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
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If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team鈥檚 phone number list. I finally responded.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Android Oreo announced today; you鈥檒l be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Left my phone in my 1yo鈥檚 room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo鈥檚 room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
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Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
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I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 馃檨
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Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
All I鈥檓 saying is that I鈥檝e chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you鈥檙e definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
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GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
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