Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
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PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito