Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
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If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Simple enough.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.