Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
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not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct