Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
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[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.