I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
You Might Also Like
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato