Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
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Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms