Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
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Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Yes, this is exactly right
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*