There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
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[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD