Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
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Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
When someone says you are so lazy
Called it
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I’ve been drinking.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.