I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
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“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.