pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
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[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Geez man, take it easy.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress