Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
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Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
So, can we agree on 4 or
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.