Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
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Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!