Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
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wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.