At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
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Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I鈥檓 tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 馃槈
doctor: hahahaha 馃檪
me: i’ll be here all week haha 馃檪
doctor: haha give or take
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Me: you鈥檙e gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn鈥檛-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don鈥檛 give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you鈥檙e making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
I think I’m having a stroke
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It鈥檚 like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Me: why aren鈥檛 you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don鈥檛 want peas, you wouldn鈥檛 understand
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that鈥檚 the osteoporosis nvm 馃槶
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”