Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
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*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.