If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
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Never go to sleep after making me angry
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting