I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
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*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
They’re not wrong
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.