I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
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i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.