Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
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*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.