My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
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Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Flowers bee like
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Confused owl: What?!
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now