GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
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Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
your elf on the shelf was delicious
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks