[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
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Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Nice try, NASA
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Yup.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*