My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
You Might Also Like
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
only 11 steps left