[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
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Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic