sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
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falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast