*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
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When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
How about daylight saves us for once
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”