It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
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Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
There’s always that one guy
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?