Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
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“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
This will teach them to underestimate me
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof