Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
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[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers