App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
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Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…