Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
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Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
HOW DARE YOU
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense