I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
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“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.